My five year old iMac finally died, not it’s fault, I pushed it too hard. So, to save a few bucks I reluctantly bought a HP laptop with windows 7. the specs were ok… but after two days with it? It’s a piece of fucking horse cock!

Every second thing I try to do, oh no! Virus alert! Fuck that noise! I took that goddamn picture of my dick with my fucking phone! Last time I checked STD’s were not transmutable via the goddamn fucking Internet!

This fucking thing can’t even connect to a wireless keyboard via Bluetooth. What the fuck!? Seriously? Sure, it makes me give it all of my info including a fucking sperm count but can’t Bluetooth something!? My Jr. Asshole fan club decoder ring talks to my asshole with Bluetooth!

I had to buy a separate IR Microsoft wireless mouse to avoid the dog shit that is a laptop trackpad (yes! I like to rest my palms when I type. Fuck you, I don’t judge your typing technique you one handed bater!) which, low and behold! I have to take out every ducking time I boot it up!

Seriously, I could go on four hours about how badly Microsoft and the PC industry is so fucked up, but I don’t want to right now. So, if you’re like me and stuck with a shitty windows pc? I feel your pain and I now realize exactly how beautiful Mac is, sure costs you twice as much, but as the old saying goes: you get what you pay for.

Cooks even the most elegant of meals!

Don’t have one of those heavy and complicated propane tanks? Pesky court order won’t allow you to possess any fire building materials?

No problem with the Incredible Micro-Q!

Developed by our crack team of engineers, designers and innovators, the Incredible Micro-Q is here to replace not one, but TWO expensive cooking appliances in one glorious machine!

What if I told you not only does it microwave food, but it also defrosts? It also comes with pre-determined settings so you never have to wonder how long that potato is supposed to stay in there! Travel through time! Microwaves! The light turns on so you know it’s working!

But don’t take my word for it, here’s what other people are saying:

It’s a microwave in a BBQ! Ya gotta have a Micro-Q!
- Heywood Jablome

This microwave inside this BBQ is going to save me so much time!
- Hugh G. Rection

It’s a microwave in a BBQ… I don’t get it…
- Ben Dover

But wait, there’s more! If you order one today, we’ll throw in the light bulb… FOR FREE! So pre-order* yours today!

This here is the glory that is a McGangBang. Basically, off the value menu at McDonald’s grab a Double Cheeseburger and a Junior Chicken, slap the chicken sandwich right between the two beef patties, bun and all and presto! Awesomeness in your belly for less than five bucks!

You WILL kneel before it's glory.

This is what a burger should be. As an experiment I will create McGangBangs at every single fast food restaurant I go to (GangBang Double Whopper, Wendy’s GangBang Jr. Deluxe, and so on) and give it a rating. To get started I will review this burger.

Appearance: 10/10 – It is not pretty, in fact, Quatto from Total Recall is prettier than this. It’s perfect.

Taste: 10/10 – *GURGLE* Can’t talk, my tongue is having an orgasm.

Result: 10/10 – I’m full, I’m completely satisfied… and 20 minutes later I’m having a shit that feels like concrete.

Rock on!
- Steve